What You Deserve

"I've just... never known what it feels like," She said this more to herself than me, it was almost as if saying it aloud made it real. "I, never thought that it could or would happen to me, I've always thought that being in love meant you did the best for the other person, making sure they were okay, forgetting about yourself and-" She caught herself mid sentence snapping her eyes back to me with such precision, almost infantile in some ways, and to think that she was the eldest of the two of us, and yet, she hadn't experienced it herself in the ways that I had and still was, "but, it's not like that at all, I was... so, blind". She pulled up another tuft of grass and added it to the pile in between us.


"Butterflies" I said with a light smile at the memory, "It feels like butterflies and panic, erratic fits of passion and you almost feel needy, but- you just can't help it. It's like the centre of your being and all of who you are; recognises that this person in front of you is, everything you didn't know you had been looking for. It makes you re-evaluate everything you are, and everything you have ever wanted to be, you want to better yourself in every way; Because to you they are perfect, and you want to be perfect for them" I was aware that I was rambling on, but, that's what bestfriends do, they listen to each other rant about everything whether it be happy or sad or damn well annoying, but they still talk about it.
"To me, it is the definition of beauty" She looked at me with calm interest, and recognition, I wondered if this new relationship was all that she had been looking for, all that I had said just a few seconds before, I wanted it for her, I wanted her to have all those things, to experience them instead of hearing me talk about my life, my relationship.

"That's exactly what it's like!" I watched as her smile lit her face, a glimpse of the girl that used to be my bestfriend, the person I was so used to, but all of this, all that she's been through changed her, she is the same person she's always been, but different. "It's just incredible, I feel like every relationship I've ever had before this I've always been waiting for it to fail"

"W-hey, for the optimism!" I punched the air as she pushed me playfully in the shoulder.

"Stop it. I'm being serious" She chuckled and waited for the moment to pass, I was always good at making her laugh when she didn't want to, it's just a quality I've always had, I make people happy, I'm the person people come to when they have nobody else to turn to. Everybody needs somebody to talk to outside of their immediate family, "I always give them the best of everything, food, pillows everything, significant or insignificant and I do with my friends too but in a relationship I just did it because I knew I should and it would make them happy.... but I never thought about whether it made me happy," She shook her head and looked at the cluster of glittering lights on the flat ground below us.
"But with him, I'm happy because he's happy, it doesn't matter, nothing matters because he's making sure I'm happy too, and the things we do are done out of impulse and kindness- I can't think of how to word it" I could hear the smile in her voice even though she was facing away, you always know when someone is smiling when you can't see them, like, over the phone or, in the dark, the tone and the intonation all implies happiness...

Perking up a bit, because she was happier, I continued "I see it as a natural wonder that no one can quite explain, and I don't think anyone ever will. It in itself is unique to the people involved. Only they can truly know what it's like. It makes you become aware of not only your significant other, but of other people and how they work too, you feel that you have achieved something so beautiful and it's an honour, to then share it with someone else, to share bits of yourself you weren't even aware of before them, while exploring who they are as well, it makes it all worth while: the falling down, the getting back up and then falling again; all that you've been through previously, to have someone pick you up out of the dirt and show you that you are worth the help and they are there with you and were the entire time, we just didn't know it" Finishing another of my mini rants I turned to look at her not realising that I too had been looking out at the city below us, watching the sun sink below the horizon streaking pinks and oranges across the sky that were not long replaced by the star-streaked and light consuming midnight blue.

"I'm just terrified that all of this has left me broken, but everything he says to me makes me feel safe, I feel free and alive, like I could shout at the top of my lungs and tell everyone, tell him how much he means to me every second of the day!"


"It's like you had been seeing everything from behind a glass wall, and nothing was really ever tangible, but now that the wall is gone you can see the world for what it is, a vibrant and colourful place, riiiight?" I hugged my best friend tightly, and swayed with her a little, we were such an odd pair, when we were younger we promised that we'd never forget our forbidden little world, we left notes addressed to '13 year old us' as if thirteen was so far away from seven and eight. "But I could be wrong, this could all be my rose-budded eyes talking-"

"Shell, Shelley! I can taste my spleen!" She said with a strangled voice as if I'd actually pushed the air out of her lungs and just as I let go she returned the hug, I was famous for my bone crushing hugs.

"Alright, alright!" I said pushing her off of me,

Calming down again she said, "Yeah, everything is different now, like everything I felt in the past wasn't real, in comparison to this, it's just beautiful. I can't really put just how much I agree with all that you've said into words, I'm stunned, I didn't know there were people out there that could be so, compassionate"


"There are people out there, it's just sometimes people think that they'll never find 'the one' so they let themselves fall for anybody, go for second best because they believe it's what they deserve, but everyone deserves a shot at happiness, everyone deserves to find love, whether that be in a relationship or not, like me and you, we love each other like sisters, and our families, we love them, we're fortunate I suppose, and we have each other, I've always been told that those that live without it often don't live a full life at all."